NYTimes health columnist Jane Brody interviewed me for a piece on what to say to someone with cancer. The criticisms in the comments section highlight the emotionality and contentiousness of this topic. They also encourage us to reflect on fundamental principles.
Brody introduced the few ideas she picked from our long interview with this quote: “The best things to say depend on your relationship with the patient and what the person is currently going through physically and emotionally. But whatever you choose to say or do, she said, show love and support without judgment or instructions on how the person should feel.”
Some readers were displeased with my suggestion to ask ‘How are things?’ instead of the usual, ‘How are you?’ And my suggestion to list things you could do to help, instead of saying, “Call me if you need me.”
Those suggestions reflect that…
There’s no one “right” thing to say.
What works well for one patient may cause another patient distress.
What works well for someone at one time may cause problems for that same person at another time.
You’re gonna say the “wrong” thing sometime, no matter how well you know the patient and how hard you’re trying to say the perfect words.
How do you show compassion and open opportunities to help—while minimizing the risk of causing distress and adding a burden? By finding words that make it easy for patients to respond whichever way works best for them.
Brody shared another message: Don’t let fear of saying the wrong thing keep you from the most important thing you can do to help: be there.
The personal essay, Surviving “How are you?,” tells the story of how I arrived at “How are things?”
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