My prior post introduced “should-ing” on yourself and discussed how that can help when taking action. The same should-ing on yourself can cause trouble when it comes to feelings.
I used to feel ashamed or disappointed by my feelings, saying, “I shouldn’t feel…(angry, sad, hopeless, irritable… whatever.)” That should-ing was unhealthy and unfair.
Unlike purposeful actions, feelings arise spontaneously. If I want to feel a certain way, I can take steps to increase the chance of feeling that way. With so many factors affecting what I feel at any moment, my steps may or may not work. Should-ing on myself about how I feel then increases my emotional burdens.
For example, if I feel fearful or tearful about a health challenge, should-ing on myself (“you should feel brave and strong”) contibutes to a loss of self-confidence just when I desperately need confidence. Or, if i feel sad about a loss associated with successful treatment, should-ing on myself (You shouldn’t feel sad about…(faigue; infertility; scars); you should feel celebratory that you’re alive!) adds the burdens of feeling guilty and ashamed about not feeling completely happy in my survival.
More than what I feel, it matters what I do with what I feel.
Now, if don’t like how I am feeling, the only should-ing I do on myself is action-oriented and found in the self-talk after finding healthy answers to: “What can I do to increase the chance of feeling how I want to feel?”
“Right now, I’m feeling this way. To help me feel a different way, I should…..”
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