What do you do If feeling guilty because your illness is causing stress or problems for others?
In my prior post I distinguished “guilt” and “shame.” Here, I’ll suggest responses to guilt that foster Healthy Survivorship—i.e., (1) getting good care and (2) living as fully as possible.
Ask yourself: Is my guilt justified? In the past, did you choose to do something—or not do something—that led to today’s problems for others? If not, you did nothing wrong! Let guilt go. Blame the real culprit, whether it’s genes, life’s unfairness, physics, Lady Luck, or whatever. If feelings of guilt arise anyway, remind yourself, “I did nothing wrong so have no reason to feel guilty.”
What if the answer is “yes”? Maybe you ignored warning signs…or smoked…or skipped medications. Ask whether you did that “wrong” behavior with intent of causing others pain. In all my years of survivorship work, I’ve never met someone who answered “yes.” People make poor decisions at times or fall into bad habits or addictions because, well, they are human.
Use guilt as motivation to change for the better. Let the guilty feeling energize you to figure out what you did “wrong” and to take steps that prevent the same behavior in the future.
Apologize to those who are also paying the price of your past choices. Explain how you are working to do better.
Most importantly, forgive yourself so that you can move forward. Beating yourself up doesn’t help you or the people you hurt.
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