Rules of engagement are different for friends and family in your inner circle. If you are unwell, here’s my personal take on answering, “How are you?”
Your needs are the top priority but not the only priority. Maintaining healthy relationships with close family and friends is important. And it requires an ongoing investment of time and meaningful communication.
In the moment, answer whichever way helps you now while acknowledging and respecting their needs. In social situations with others present, it works well to answer as you would for people outside your inner circle (see prior post).
If alone with someone from your inner circle and you don’t want to talk about your health, a useful approach is to begin with thanks for asking, followed by “I’ll update you another time,” or “Let me email you an update.” If—sheesh!—they push for details, you can shut it down with something like a quiet, “I need to not talk about it now. Thanks for understanding.” In your follow-up, tell as little or as much as you want. It helps to:
Acknowledge their compassion
State clearly what you need (practically; emotionally).
Illness doesn’t give anyone a pass on caring about others’ needs. The exception is when illness affects the brain in ways that interfere with the ability to care about others.
The time and effort you put into your close relationships fosters Healthy Survivorship by enabling you to get assistance when needed, minimize hurt and misunderstandings, and express and receive love.
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