How do you support patients who don’t want to talk about their illness or accept support? To follow up on my prior post, let’s tease apart key factors involved and then prioritize our goals.
Consider a patient’s view:
If already receiving all the emotional support and practical assistance needed, any further discussion of illness spoils moments better used on more joyful things.
The benefits of withdrawing include avoiding the emotional discomforts of either:
Sounding rude by rejecting offers of help and cutting short any discussion—i.e., doing what’s best for patients
Being polite and sharing what’s going on—i.e., doing what makes patients feel sad, frustrated, angry, weak, or other unpleasant feeling.
Consider a support person’s view:
The goal is to do whatever is best for the patient.
It is better to show caring and get rejected than to stay silent out of fear of doing the wrong thing.
Two tactics that have worked well for me:
Make a pact. My friends promise to tell me without hesitation if I ever say or do something not helpful to them
Maintain connections. I enjoy sending seasonal cards —such as for St. Patrick’s Day—or “friendship” cards with no reference to illness. Doing so says, “I care about you…and I am here” while leaving patients in control. They can respond if they want to…or not.
Supporting others is an art. Nobody does it perfectly all the time. Staying connected makes it easier to support patients if things change and now they want to share with you what’s going on they want to ask for assistance.
Original illustration by Emma Mathes, modified by Wendy Harpham
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